Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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