just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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