There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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