You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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