Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
