I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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