There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
