There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
