That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
