Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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