So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had sex on a roof
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
