Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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