im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
