at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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