I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
True strength comes from lack of pants
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
