My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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