So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize