Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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