I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My vagina just recognized that song.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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