im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can I color on your dick again?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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