do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
