Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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