dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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