You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
