With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
