I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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