I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
