just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
