we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
