She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
