Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
