The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
