I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
