He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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