Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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