3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
