Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
