I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
