i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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