My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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