Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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