No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
