If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
