he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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