I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
