When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
