I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
