My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
