After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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