so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
