paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
