It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
