so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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